Healing from Emotional Responsibility: EMDR & Letting Go of Others’ Feelings
Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings is actually pretty common and can stem from a variety of emotional, psychological, and social factors.
Why Might I feel Responsible For Other’s Feelings?
Childhood Conditioning
Parentification: If you had to take care of a parent or sibling’s emotional or physical needs as a child, you may have learned that it’s your job to keep others happy.
Emotional Role Models: If caregivers modeled emotional instability or guilt-tripped you into meeting their emotional needs, you might have learned that you’re responsible for regulating other people’s emotions.
Rewarded For People-Pleasing
If you were rewarded for being helpful or accommodating, you might have developed a pattern of putting others’ feelings first to gain approval or avoid conflict.
A fear of disappointing others or facing rejection can make you feel compelled to keep everyone around you happy.
Trauma and Hypervigilance
If you’ve experienced trauma (especially emotional or relational trauma), you may have developed a heightened sensitivity to others’ emotional states as a survival mechanism.
Trying to manage other people’s emotions can feel like a way to stay safe or avoid conflict.
Guilt and Shame
If others have blamed you for their feelings or actions (“Look what you made me do!”), you may have internalised the belief that you cause others’ feelings and actions.
This can lead to a cycle where you try to prevent others from feeling upset to avoid feeling guilt or shame.
Empathy Overload
Being highly empathetic or sensitive to others’ emotions can make you feel like it’s your responsibility to make them feel better.
If you struggle with boundaries, it can be hard to tell where your feelings end and someone else’s begin.
Societal and Cultural Pressures
Certain family or cultural dynamics may reinforce the idea that it’s your duty to keep the peace or ensure others’ emotional well-being.
Women, in particular, are often socialised to be caretakers and emotional regulators for those around them.
Overall Impact On Relationships
In relationships, you might feel like your sense of self-worth is tied to how well you can keep others happy or emotionally stable.
You may feel uncomfortable when others are upset, so you may try to “fix” their emotions to avoid discomfort or maintain harmony.
How to Start Letting Go
Separate Your Feelings from Other People’s
Ask yourself:
➔ Is this my emotion, or am I absorbing someone else's?
➔ Am I feeling anxious because of my own situation, or because someone else is upset?
Ground yourself in your own emotional state through mindfulness — pay attention to your breathing, body tension, and inner dialogue.
Challenge the Core Belief
Replace “It’s my job to keep others happy” with:
➔ It’s not my job to fix their feelings — they are responsible for their own emotional state.
➔ I am allowed to feel at peace even if others are upset.
Set Boundaries Without Guilt
When you feel yourself being pulled into taking responsibility for someone else’s emotional state, you can respond with:
➔ “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. I hope you’re able to work through it.”
➔ “I care about you, but I can’t be the one to fix this.”
At first, setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable — like you're doing something wrong or letting someone down. But over time, it will feel more natural and empowering.
How Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR) Can Help
Growing up feeling responsible for other people’s emotions — while having to suppress our own — can lead to deeply ingrained negative beliefs about ourselves, such as:
➔ “I am unimportant.”
➔ “I am insignificant.”
➔ “I am worthless.”
➔ “It’s not okay to show my emotions.”
➔ “I cannot trust anyone with my inner world.”
➔ “I have to be perfect or please everyone.”
Carrying these kinds of beliefs into adulthood can affect both how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. We may feel anxious around others, worrying that we can't truly be ourselves. It can also lead to feelings of sadness or depression because:
➔ We feel bad about ourselves.
➔ We don’t feel safe expressing how we feel about ourselves so we hold onto rather than release/ move on from those feelings.
While there’s a lot you can work on independently, therapy — including counselling, psychotherapy, and EMDR — can be especially helpful. EMDR, in particular, has structured protocols designed to help process these negative self-beliefs.
EMDR can help by targeting the root of these patterns — whether it’s trauma, guilt, or conditioning — which helps you reprocess the memories and beliefs that drive them. EMDR can reduce the emotional charge tied to these experiences, making it easier to develop healthier boundaries whilst lettting go of the feeling that you are the cause of other’s emotions.